A Socratic Explanation for Daft People (or "FAQ" as they say)
LECTOR: What are you on about?
AUCTOR: The Four Men Feast...
LECTOR: This is, like, a real thing?
AUCTOR: Yes...
LECTOR: I don't believe you. Explain.
AUCTOR: (heaving a great sigh) The essentials are these... it's a party, where men get together and eat and drink and be merry and read poetry and sing songs and toast and ...
LECTOR: Can I come?
AUCTOR: You aren't Lectora, so yes.
LECTOR: I don't even know what that means...
AUCTOR: Look, here's what you need to know:
AUCTOR: The Four Men Feast...
LECTOR: This is, like, a real thing?
AUCTOR: Yes...
LECTOR: I don't believe you. Explain.
AUCTOR: (heaving a great sigh) The essentials are these... it's a party, where men get together and eat and drink and be merry and read poetry and sing songs and toast and ...
LECTOR: Can I come?
AUCTOR: You aren't Lectora, so yes.
LECTOR: I don't even know what that means...
AUCTOR: Look, here's what you need to know:
- Yes, the Four Men Feast is really a thing, and you're seriously invited.
- The feast centers (more or less loosely) around a book by Hilaire Belloc named, The Four Men: A Farrago, which it is not required that you read, Lector, in order to attend... but for not reading which you may be shamed and ridiculed by others in attendance - all in good fun, of course...
- This book, by the by, is available in Kindle format, PDF format, full e-text format, and in a format known by our ancestors as paperback.
- The Four Men Feast was invented by a former Opus Dei assassin (citation needed).
- There'll be some poetry recited; suck it up.
- We'll sing, too - and badly. Suck it up.
- There is no requirement that one be a Catholic to attend, but only that one be able to argue reasonably (i.e., a man), and that he be willing to tolerate some (mostly) good-natured taunting of heresy, such as Manicheaism, Pelagianism, Monophysitism, and - far less sensible - Protestantism. Sometimes this taunting will be done in song, and probably poorly. Suck it up.
LECTOR: Will there be food?
AUCTOR: And how!
LECTOR: How much? because that sounds awesome...
AUCTOR: Well, yes. But you should donate some money to help pay for the beer and wine. That stuff isn't free.
AUCTOR: And how!
- The menu for the evening is the very essence of the feast, and taken directly from the book: "It is determined that we make a feast, and I say for my part that there must be in this feast bacon and eggs fried together in one pan, and making a great commonalty in one dish."
- Served alongside this are bread, butter, and cheese - and that cheese "in colour... is yellow, which is the right colour of Cheese. It is neither young nor old. Its taste is that of Cheese, and nothing more. A man may live upon it all the days of his life."
- "And the drink shall be beer," per Belloc; augmented by wine and port, and - in case of emergency - water.
LECTOR: How much? because that sounds awesome...
AUCTOR: Well, yes. But you should donate some money to help pay for the beer and wine. That stuff isn't free.
LECTOR: You contradict yourself.
AUCTOR: An author's prerogative.
LECTOR: Anything else I should know?
AUCTOR: Yes...
LECTOR: Zounds, I think I shall attend.
AUCTOR: An author's prerogative.
LECTOR: Anything else I should know?
AUCTOR: Yes...
- We'll probably light things on fire, in a more or less controlled sort of way. Which means we'll be outdoors betimes. You should come appropriately prepared. By which I mean bring something to smoke. And you might give consideration to the weather in your sartorial preparations.
- You should tell those organizing it that you are coming so they can plan a prank or something.
LECTOR: Zounds, I think I shall attend.
AUCTOR: Of course you shall. And finally, as the Feast in the book occurs on the Eve of All Souls (November 1st on the Church calendar), and this year's feast occurs near that auspicious Solemnity, you should know that it shall be part of the spirit of our gathering in the dying of the year to drink to those many merry men who've walked our road before us, whose wisdom guides us along our own way, who stand us guard, and who wait ready to greet us manfully one day at the Inn at the End of the World. And so, therefore, in the hopes of seeing you at this preview event for that Great Feast, I leave you with this:
They that have been besides us all the day
Rise up; for they are summoned to the gate.
Nor turn the head but take a downward way;
Depart, and leave their households desolate.
But you shall not depart, although you leave
My house for conversation with your peers.
Your admirable Ghost shall not receive
Mere recollected vows and secret tears.
But on that brink of Heaven where lingering stand
The still-remembered spirits hearkening down,
Go, tower among them all, to hear the land,
To hear the land alive with your renown.
Nor strength, nor peace, nor laughter could I give
But this great wages: after death, to live.
- Hilaire Belloc
Rise up; for they are summoned to the gate.
Nor turn the head but take a downward way;
Depart, and leave their households desolate.
But you shall not depart, although you leave
My house for conversation with your peers.
Your admirable Ghost shall not receive
Mere recollected vows and secret tears.
But on that brink of Heaven where lingering stand
The still-remembered spirits hearkening down,
Go, tower among them all, to hear the land,
To hear the land alive with your renown.
Nor strength, nor peace, nor laughter could I give
But this great wages: after death, to live.
- Hilaire Belloc
OMNES: Amen.
